Escape Womb: The Return of the Cursed Blender

Lauren: [00:00:00] I'll tell some fibs. 

Josh: You would, you would say something like that? I would.

Lauran: Hey guys. Hi. We are back with another new episode and some of my favorite people on this planet. Uh, we've got Josh and Lauren Monroe. Uh, you probably have seen Josh on TikTok, Instagram, wherever with his sidekick Nala. Um, Josh, you wanna tell a little bit about your social media before we get started with our game?

Josh: Yeah. Um, I'm Mr. Monroe and Nala on. All platforms. Um, I typically post videos about classroom management and, um, parenting and how to handle big behaviors that come along with those two roles. And I am [00:01:00] blessed to, to have my dog Nala with me. She's a nationally certified therapy dog. Uh, she's in her seventh year of helping serve.

Our schools and it's actually her last year. Um, so yeah, I heard she was 

Lauran: retiring. 

Josh: She is. We, we just turned in the paperwork for her to officially retire. 

Lauran: Aww. So she's, well, well deserved. Definitely. Yeah. 

Josh: Little, little bittersweet but well deserved for her for sure. 

Lauren: She's entering her grandma era. Aw, she is entering her grandma era.

You know, 

Jordan: I'm really jealous of her that she can work seven years and get to retire after. I know. I'm jealous. 

Lauran: Well, yeah, but seven years in dog years is 49 years, so, 

Jordan: yeah, I don't think that's how that works. We're not gonna, we're not gonna go into that one. 

Lauran: But you guys, you have another dog, um, Bernie, right?

Josh: We do, I don't know if you can see him on the screen. He is right down here. I 

Lauran: see his little snoot. Oh, hi buddy. Um, is he a, is he also going to be a therapy dog or no? [00:02:00] Oh my 

Josh: God, so cute. As of right now, I don't know. We'll see. Yeah, the kids ask that too. He is, he's got a better temperament than Nala. Yeah, he's he's way gentler.

Yes. More loving and wants to cuddle more. Um, but that also comes with, he, like, he, he likes to eat walls and just gets into other kinds of trouble. So what kind of dog is he, Bernedoodle. 

Lauran: Oh no. Wow. Sounds okay. So we actually just got a bernedoodle two years ago. So ours is, he's only two years old. Um, and exactly the same.

He's snuggly. He's cuddly, he's calm, but when he was a puppy, he ate all of our baseboards, destroyed all of our, like corners on all of the doors. So. I feel that, yeah, 

Josh: it's a little too real. Bernie. Bernie got himself into trouble. He ate a sock that got stuck in his intestine, so he had to go for some emergency surgery, and we had a long talk with him [00:03:00] about.

Making better life choices. And then he chose to eat an apple without swallowing or without chewing it. Oh my 

Lauren: God. 

Josh: So we had to go back in again. 

Lauren: Oh, he's our most expensive child lately. 

Josh: Yes. 

Jordan: Yeah. 

Lauran: Bernie, what are you doing? My man? Duncan is 

Jordan: our most expensive child too, because Yeah. 

Lauran: Oh my God. One day, the first year we had him.

Because when we first got him, my mom was still working from home, so she, I would drop him off in the morning and she would just watch him in her office while she was working. And she has like these little dog toys, um, like the ones that like, it's like a log and it comes with like three little raccoon, like little round circle toys that go inside the log or whatever.

For my brother's dog, Lola, who's smaller and. Duncan, obviously with as big of a cranium as he has, he has a massive jaw and so he swallow. He happened to swallow [00:04:00] two of the raccoons and nobody knew until he like woke up in the middle of the night and threw one up onto the floor. Oh my gosh, my gosh. So I was panicking and I was like, oh my God.

What if there's another one like. Is he gonna die? And so I ended up having to take him for like an emergency x-ray and he had apparently already thrown up the other one. Yeah. So I took him and they found nothing there luckily. So he has not since. Eat and swallowed anything that has been detrimental to his health.

Yeah. But that being said, uh, we are gonna play a fun game today that is called The Escape Womb, and it's basically like Dungeon, DUNS and Dragons. What? 

Josh: See, that's a perfect segue. I know, 

Lauran: right. Set is. I'm like, I'm so good at segueing. I'm interested to hear what is our adult life skill this week? Alright.

What are we trying to adult. 

Jordan: Oh no. 

Lauran: Oh God. [00:05:00] What? 

Jordan: You have the dreaded task of returning a faulty product. Oh, after you bring it home. 

Lauran: I hate doing that. Like honestly, sometimes I just eat the cost because I don't wanna have to go back to the store and return it. 

Josh: That is exactly what I do. 

Lauren: Okay. I'm not the only one.

You personally. I, I would tell you, I would make you go 

Jordan: Yeah. 

Lauren: Return it. See, he would make me go return it. 

Jordan: Oh, I would. Absolutely. I am not stepping foot in there. I am making you do that. 

Lauran: I know. So, I don't know. I'll be interested to see how we have to go about this. 

Jordan: Alright. 

Lauran: All right. Are we ready? Are 

Jordan: you ready to dive in?

We are ready. 

Lauran: Okay. Okay. Let's see. How is, how this is gonna turn out 

Jordan: everybody? Welcome. To the return of the cursed blender, you find yourselves trapped in a twisted aisles of a haunted mega super retail store. Tm, A cursed consumer labyrinth with no exit [00:06:00] signs, only sail signs. You're clutching one horrifying object.

A blender that screams when you plug it in. Don't all 

Lauran: blenders do that? 

Jordan: No, but this one really screams like it's just the. Got a roll. Just 

Lauran: Oh 

Lauren: yeah. Return that I don't want. That was very Jurassic Park. I like it. Yeah, it was. Thank you. 

Jordan: You swore when you were buying it on stale. 

Lauran: On stale. 

Jordan: On stale. No, not on stale.

On sale. That even though it was open box, it was a good idea and you definitely weren't going to have to return it. You might have put spaghetti in it. You don't really know what caused it to start screaming. Okay, hold on. But here you are. Anyways, returning the item. 

Lauran: If I buy a blender and I put spaghetti, I like, let's just let go of the fact that I'm putting spaghetti in a blender.

But like if I'm putting spaghetti in a blender, [00:07:00] it should blend pretty easily. Wouldn't you agree? 

Jordan: One would think, yeah. I never said it was cooked spaghetti too. So. 

Lauran: Yeah, but either way. 'cause if you, if you blend spaghetti, you're just making into like a pasta powder at that point. Like a flour almost.

Jordan: Maybe this blender didn't like you putting spaghetti in. What do you put 

Josh: spaghetti in a blender Four. 

Lauran: You don't. 

Josh: Okay. 

Jordan: Exactly. You 

Lauran: don't? 

Josh: Okay. I was, I was sitting here trying to think like, am I missing something? 

Lauren: I, Josh is sitting, I sitting here thinking like, 

Josh: man, why does Lauren put spa spaghetti in a blended?

I love a 

Lauren: spaghetti smoothie in the morning. What, what's funny is he's the cook in our family, so. 

Josh: Well, that's why I was, I was con, I just can't figure out when, when I put spaghetti is this, is this found gourmet 

Lauran: spaghetti meal? I've never heard of. This 

Josh: is the new TikTok. Viral. This is 

Lauran: what you're gonna make.

Spaghetti. Spaghetti. Oh my God. That just gave me a great idea, like to just do. Prank recipes just be like the vi Well, today we're cooking the viral spaghetti smoothie and like actually posting that. That's, see if anyone tries It's, [00:08:00] I was gonna say, yeah, 

Jordan: I, I think you just found me content. I wanna do now 

Lauran: you okay.

If you know, if you've listen to this episode and then you see that video, don't go comment that it's a prank. I want people to think it's real. 

Jordan: As each second pass passes, the manager draws closer. A towering figure in khakis and a blue polo. 

Lauran: Are we at Best Buy? 

Jordan: That's what I was thinking, right? Excellent purchase.

Lauran: Oh, not excellent. Purchase 

Jordan: a towering figure in khakis with a, we'll change the color. A dark green polo, definitely not blue. With the power to deny returns through passive aggressive size alone. If you don't successfully complete the return process in five rounds, you're trapped in excellent purchase forever.

Lauran: No. I guess if I had to be trapped in any like retail store, best Buy is not the worst one to get trapped in. 

Jordan: To help along with the journey, you each gain a special power. Ooh, Lauren. 

Lauran: That's [00:09:00] you, Lauren. I'm gonna go by wooly. Okay. So that we don't get confused. Yeah. 

Jordan: Okay. So Lauren, you have the power of the receipt summoning ritual.

Once per game, you can perform a dance that magically summons a missing receipt from the void. Josh, you have the guilt transfer beam. You may redirect any guilt you feel to a nearby stranger, turning it into smug confidence. And Lauren? Yes, this Lauren. Lauren Woolley. Sorry. Go wooly. You have the power of the Karen verse.

Lauran: No. Oh no. I don't wanna be the Karen. 

Jordan: You can channel the energy of every over confident customer service warrior to create a temporal rift in store policy reality. 

Lauran: Oh God. I was hoping I wouldn't be the Karen. I'm like, I know I got the short hair here, but like I. I was honestly on the back of my mind. I was hoping to [00:10:00] God there wouldn't be a care power and I wasn't gonna get it.

And here we are. 

Jordan: All right, let's do this. Well round one begins you step through the automatic doors in our immediately greeted by a seven foot tall man. Welcome to excellent purchase return lines somewhere over there. But you first gotta answer the question, did you read our return policy? He stares at you like you've committed a felony.

What do you do? And your choices are, A, you can confidently lie. B, you could pretend to be on the phone with corporate and ask to speak to a manager. C. You can offer him a piece of the haunted blender as a peace offering. D. You could start crying and say you were just here to get your grandmother, her birthday money back.

E you can whisper the customer is always right and try to walk past like a Jedi. 

Lauran: Oh, you can 

Jordan: discuss amongst yourselves. [00:11:00] 

Lauran: I don't know. What should we do? I definitely am not gonna confidently lie because I, I would get caught in a lie. I. I'm not a good liar. Oh man. I could liar. 

Lauren: Like I could lie about that.

Yeah. She's like, I'm a pro. Oh yeah, she, 

Josh: yeah. 

Lauren: I'll tell some fib. 

Josh: You would, you would say something like that? Like I, yes, I would. I actually did read it and I'll tell you what it says. 

Lauren: I would, I would, hundred percent she would quoted. She's pretty scary 

Josh: when, when. She wants to be assertive. It, it gets, it doesn't happen very often.

When it goes, it gets scary. 

Lauran: I, I kind of love that though. Or like, 

Josh: if somebody comes and knocks on your door, 

Lauran: oh, then somebody knocks on your door selling. 

Josh: Oh, 

Lauran: oh. See, I'm the worst at that. 'cause I'll sit there and I'll listen to their whole spiel, like, oh, that's what I do. I'll stress you'll welcome 

Jordan: them in.

And then you'll end up buying the stuff and then they'll be, I didn't mean to No, don't, 

Lauran: I've been good about it. Like, okay. The one, like the bug guy that comes around and every, he is like, we've got some other neighbors getting some bug treatments taking care of around their house and we're running a special [00:12:00] deal.

And, and it's this like, it's just this like little teenage kid on a segue rolling around the neighborhood asking people to buy, you know, bug protection. And I, he's like, for just $40 a month, we'll come and spray all your foundations and everything. And I was like, oh yeah, that sounds great. I'll be like, thank you so much, but I, we just don't need another monthly purchase.

And no, but they never take no for an answer. That's 

Lauren: you gotta just be firm. 

Lauran: You just can't shut the door and say, we're not interested. 

Oh yeah. 

I think we need to let, I need, we need to let Lauren handle this one. I think. I think Lauren gets to handle this one. She's gonna be assertive and like speak her truth, and the manager's gonna listen to her.

You think we should lie? I mean, I would lie, guess Alright, we're gonna go with confidently lie. 

Jordan: Okay? You are going to confidently lie to the, well, 

Lauran: Lauren's gonna confidently lie. Lauren is 

Jordan: going to confidently lie to the poor greeter. You haven't even really stepped foot in. Oh, wait, no. I thought this 

Lauran: was the manager.

Jordan: No, the manager's hunting you down. Sorry. [00:13:00] This is the greeter. Oh, this is, this is the seven foot man. Yeah, the seven foot tall man. Well, okay. 

Lauran: Well he's, he's intimidatingly tall, so I don't, I would totally feel bad. Him too. See? Mm-hmm. We're still gonna lie. We're just lying to 

Jordan: everybody in the store. We're gonna 

Lauran: confidently lie

Jordan: bold. Move based off of your choice, all three of you lock eyes with the towering greeter and an eerie unison. Declare. Yes. And I even memorized it in Latin. A dead language. 

Lauran: All three of us in unison. Yeah. That's impressive. 

Jordan: The greeter blinks once. Twice and he tilts his head like a malfunctioning security camera with an unexpected grace.

He steps aside in murmurs. Impress him. Very impress him. 

Lauran: Is that Latin for impressive? 

Jordan: That must. That must be Latin. Oh, that must be. It 

Lauran: has to be. 

Josh: Oh man. See, I would've let it out. I'd be like, what? Excuse me. Lemme wait. [00:14:00] See it. It's impressive. Impress was not on the. Uh, return policy. Return policy? 

Lauran: Nah, I don't, I don't remember.

So I never took that part either. 

Jordan: The greeter believes you, whether it was the confidence, the Latin or the haunted blender smell your throat. You gain plus one false confidence and proceed deeper into the curse. So. All right, welcome. 

Lauran: I love that it's a haunted blender also. 

Jordan: Two round two. All 

Lauran: right. 

Jordan: The twin signs of Do, 

Lauran: oh man.

Jordan: You arrive at an intersection, one sign says returns that way, I hit my light panel returns that way. The other directly behind it says, absolutely no returns past this point. And a third sign on the ground reads. Do not read any signs. There's also a feral toddler GNA on a [00:15:00] clearance tag nearby.

Lauran: We're pro. We're ready. 

Jordan: Yes. 

Lauran: She's like, I know how to handle this. 

Jordan: Now. The choices is up to you. Three. Your choices are, and you can individually choose A, you could follow the returns that way, sign and walk with assertiveness. You could pick up the toddler and attempt to use it as a distraction. Is it gonna grab someone's kid?

You could close your eyes and spin until your body feels the right direction. You could challenge the Signs to a Logic dual, or you could split up and see who makes it out 

Lauran: alive. See my o The Overthinker in me. Goes, well, it says returns this way, but then it says, no returns past this point. So I would be standing there stuck in like a frozen loop for years, just staring at that sign going, do I bring my return past this point or do I not?

Like, [00:16:00] that's what I would do. I'd just kind of stand there. I, I'm finding it quite concerning that one of the options was to just. Pick up someone else's child. Child and use them as a distraction. 

Josh: I gotta go, I child, this kid, I gotta, you gotta let me through. 

Lauran: So are you picking that you're gonna choose, you're gonna pick the child?

Josh: Oh, no, I think I'd, I think I'd go with I'm, I'm following the return that way. Sign. If I make it, and if I got stopped, I'd be like, I, I was just reading the sign, I'd pull, like, what our kids do in class. I was, uh, I read the first part of the directions. 

Lauran: The, the whole page wasn't in the first step of directions.

I don't understand. Uh, okay, so you're gonna follow the sign, Lauren, what are you gonna do? 

Lauren: And 

Lauran: follow the sign. Okay, she's gonna follow the sign. You know what, I'm gonna ye the toddler. She gonna eat the 

Josh: toddler. 

Lauran: I wouldn't, no, I wouldn't do that in real life. But hey, [00:17:00] this is excellent purchase and anything goes.

So I'm eating the toddler. I don't even know if I eat the toddler, but I'm going to use it as a distraction. 

Jordan: Your results are in, oh gosh, Lauren. Woo. 

Lauran: Okay. I was like, 

Jordan: which one you pick up. Small creature screeches like a tea kettle and begins gnawing on your name tag that you, but where did this come from?

Where did this name tag come from? 

Lauran: Why do I have a name tag? 

Jordan: Shopper shoppers around you. Murmur in awe. Wow. They've got a return and a toddler. Give them a refund. Yes. A sign momentarily flickers. One of them blinks and says. We're sorry. Please discard previous signage. Oh, Lauren, I keep seeing your last, the last name.

I'm like, uh, Lauren, you have now created a chaos distraction field. 

Lauran: Okay. 

Jordan: And you can use [00:18:00] it, but. Use it wisely. 

Lauran: Oh, wait a second. So wait, do I get a refund or are they just like, feeling bad for me because I'm holding this toddler That's not mine. 

Jordan: I'm taking the customers feel bad for you. 

Lauran: Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. And they're, they're for you And then I have a ways to distract people. Yes. Okay. I'm gonna hold onto that. 

Jordan: Lauren and Josh, you walk confidently towards the returns that way sign your assertiveness is unmatched and a nearby wall of customers partake in a slow golf clap for you. As you pass under the sign.

It emits a disappointed sigh, but allows you through. Despite Woolly now being partially covered in toddler stickers and yogurt, you all make it to the next section unscathed. You are now one step closer to the return counter, but the lights begin to flicker. The intercom crackles 

attention customers. The manager has entered the building.

I repeat, the manager has [00:19:00] entered the building 

Lauran: so. Like he's not El Ross. What Ross from Monster. Monster Seed. Yeah. Always 

Josh: watching was out. The fact that we are not as our first, 

Lauran: why, why are they announcing the manager? Like there's someone special. 

Josh: I don't. They got a reputation. Yeah, 

Lauran: I guess they could deny 

Jordan: your returns.

Simply aside, 

Lauran: would you deny this? Beautiful toddler 

Jordan: return denied. Oh 

Lauran: no. Alright. What's next? You have been 

Jordan: stopped. 

Lauran: You have been stopped. 

Jordan: You have now reached a darkened, seedy portion of the store and you see a sign that reads. The return dungeon, an aisle covered in lost receipts, swirling in minor paper.

Tornadoes, a metal voice brings out to proceed. You must present proof of purchase or create a compelling emotional narrative. Unfortunately, your receipt is missing [00:20:00] and you're fairly sure it got stuck. To an old meatball sub back in 2019. 

Lauren: Lor, Lauren has that receipt power. I can use my receipt power.

We're gonna, yeah. 

Jordan: Hey, guess what? Option A is 

Lauren: what? 

Jordan: Lauren activates her receipt. Summoning power. There 

Lauran: you go. 

Jordan: But you have some other choices. Okay. I was gonna say, what else We got got some other ones. So, 'cause Lauren can choose to do that. And you, Josh, you and Josh can choose something else. That's 

Lauran: true.

Jordan: So Lauren activates her receipt summoning ritual. All three of you can attempt to reenact the original purchase moment with an interpretive dance. Oh my God. You can try and bribe the paper tornadoes with a gift card from 2008. You can lie and claim this blender was a gift from the CEO's son. Or you could start crafting a receipt from leftover stickers, thread, and a little bit of courage.

What's [00:21:00] your move? 

Lauran: You know what? I'm gonna borrow some of Lauren's lying power and I'm gonna lie and say this is a gift from the CEO's son. Huh? How dare you question me. Am I totally accurate story 

Josh: that's like, uh, when Hermione Bellatrix and Harry Potter. 

Lauran: Yes. I wish to enter my vault. 

Josh: Yes.

Those are the vibes. I, 

Lauran: yes. I'll do 

Josh: that. I'll go. 

Lauran: Okay. So I'll stand, we're gonna lie together. 

Josh: I'll stand behind Will. Well, I'll stand behind you. 

Lauran: Okay. So you'll be like Ron Weasley in that scene. 

Josh: Right. I'll, I'll back you up, but 

Lauran: okay. I'm just there like, yeah, you're the hype man. Yep. Okay. Lauren, what are you gonna do?

I'm totally using my power. That's what I. She's gonna use her power and we're gonna lie through our teeth. 

Jordan: Lauren closes her eyes and begins an ancient dance, [00:22:00] equal parts, yoga, jazz, hands. Jazz hands and unhinged interpretive mime. 

Lauran: Can I see some of this more like, what? Oh, you know, I didn't practice. Uh, okay.

Or is it like an ancient secret? Like I jazz 

Josh: hands, you know, 

Lauran: jazz hands. Not this well. 

Jordan: Oh no, I was, I was 

Lauran: doing spirit fingers. Those are spirit fingers. 

Jordan: I say be careful. Like if she starts this, it's a whole ritual, and then receipts just start flying everywhere. That's true. That's true. 

Lauran: Okay. We don't want the mess.

Jordan: Lauren starts to chant sacred words. This return, this proof, this purchase some.

The receipt tornado pauses, paper flutters gently down like snow, and a beam of fluorescent light shines on Lauren as a receipt [00:23:00] glowing and slightly sticky. Lance in the palm of her hand. 

Lauran: Why is. 

Jordan: It doesn't matter. It's got her name on it. Oh, the blender's date of purchase and a coupon. 

Lauran: Oh, for 

Jordan: 10% off adult diapers.

Lauran: Oh, perfect. I was like, oh, not only do you get the receipt in your money back, but they're also gonna give you a coupon like, no, for adult diapers. 

Jordan: Wooley, you exclaim this blender. It's a gift from the CEO's son and he even insisted we return it when we were ready. 

Lauran: Why would he give? Okay, I'm not gonna question it here it 

Josh: is, but please take it back when you no longer want it.

Lauran: Thank you for my gift, but also I promised to return it in a week. So here you have it, but okay. Yes, I That's totally true. 

Jordan: The tornado responds to you [00:24:00] after a brief pause and in a quiet 

whisper. Nepotism policy activated. 

Josh: Yeah. 

Jordan: Between Lauren's spell binding performance and Josh and Woolly's. Shameless, CEO Name.

Dropping the tornado bows before you. You now hold the receipt in a velvet envelope that smells vaguely of cold brew injustice 

Lauran: Twisters. Who? Twisters who? These tornadoes for us. 

Jordan: The ceiling shakes and a shadow grows who's returning without a box. The manager approaches from behind his vest is stitched with the policies fine print, and his name tag reads Gregory, but it flashes all sales final.

Lauran: It's pretty much that's dedication to have the [00:25:00] entire return policy stitched to your vest. Hey, 

Jordan: he's got his flare so he does can't, can't yell at him. Gregory blocks the return counter from you. His voice is calm, his eyes are pure bureaucracy. 

Josh: No, 

Jordan: you 

have the item, you have the receipt, but would I be able to interest you?

In some store credit. 

Lauran: No, I want it on the original purchased card. You feel it? 

Jordan: If 

Lauran: you got it from the CEO Oh. Oh, wait. Yeah. 

Jordan: Forgot. Yeah. You even buy it. Forgot. 

Lauran: I mean, 

Jordan: you're trying to steal, ma'am. 

Lauran: No, I, I, I want back. This guy 

Lauren: escalated

Lauran: my c. 

Jordan: I was gonna say weirdly enough that you mentioned that, uh, that Lauren helped remind everybody that you [00:26:00] name drop the CEO. Uh, security guards are advancing on the position quickly. 

Lauran: Okay, I'm gonna use my toddler. 

Jordan: Wait. Oh, you feel it? A guilt field forming, threatening to make you second guess every decision you have ever made.

I'm already doing that and it's working fast. So you can choose between these moves. Josh can activate his guilt transfer beam and redirect the shame to a nearby display mannequin. 

Lauran: Oh, okay. 

Jordan: You can all nod solemnly and pretend to be financial consultants evaluating ROIs on refunds. You can try to air quote, return Gregory to the lost and found desk.

No bodily harm involved in that one. 

Josh: Or 

Jordan: you could start loudly arguing amongst yourselves about whether you actually wanted to return the blender anyway. Finally, you can make prolonged. You can make prolonged eye [00:27:00] contact and whisper. I know where the receipts are buried. That's ominous, so, 

Lauren: okay. 

Jordan: What do you choose?

I'd probably use 

Josh: my guilt. My guilt transfer. 

Lauran: Oh, I definitely that we've, we've made it 

Josh: this far. We can't, we can't just give up. I'm not guilty. 

Lauran: Right. We've made too far. They're not gonna just back down and be like, oh, I guess I'll just leave. No, I, why can't I use my toddler diversion power? Fine. I guess I'll just whisper.

What did happen to your kid? Their seats are buried. I, it's just still holding him as he is like slopping yogurt all over me. 

Jordan: You just adopted a baby yogurt 

Lauran: and stickers apparently. Whose kid is this? Excuse me, Gregory, 

Josh: I've got a child with me. Yeah. What is he this along? 

Lauran: I gotta get him to tumbling with TTS at four.

Yeah, I think I'll use the, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I know where the receipts are buried. Line. 

Jordan: Okay. 

Lauran: What about you, Lauren? Oh, I'm totally taking [00:28:00] Josh's guilt transfer. Okay, so you two are gonna work on that together. 

Jordan: They're gonna choose the guilt transfer. Yep. Alright. Oh, I wanna see how this plays out. Okay.

Oh 

Lauran: gosh, 

Jordan: that's my 

Lauran: line. Every time you say something I'm like, oh gosh, 

Jordan: what's next? Well, Josh begins to activate his guilt transfer beam tm. He turns, he turns toward a nearby mannequin wearing a live Laughlin roll. Share Live. Laugh Lint Roll shirt, live. Laugh 

Lauran: Lin Roll. That's me. I love me. Some live laugh.

Lint roll. It just 

Jordan: caught me off guard. I'm sorry. Wearing a live laugh lint roll shirt and fires the invisible shame blast. The mannequin immediately slumps over under the weight of existential regret and nearby shoppers. Gasp. That dummy definitely opened a box. 

Lauran: Yeah. 

Jordan: Gregory the [00:29:00] manager pauses and shifts his judgmental aura towards the mannequin 

suspicious 

guilt.

Has been redirected. Josh is now glowing with unearned righteousness. 

Lauran: Unearned good for me. 

Jordan: Yeah. Good go. Lauren also activates the beam, despite Josh already using it as it turns choice.

Double guilt beams cause a minor psychological wormhole. Oh, a baby shower registry bursts into flames two aisles over, but nobody notices. Gregory's left eye twitches. I need a break. Me too. Gregory, you just got here. Yeah, he did just get here.

He quickly tries to step [00:30:00] away to check on aisle four to see the yogurt expiration dates. I don't know why this electronic store is selling yogurt. I was gonna say 

Lauran: excellent purchase also sells yogurt. 

Jordan: Hey, that's Best Buy's whole new campaign. Now, is this like, did you know Best Buy sells this? So. Oh, excellent purchase.

Could be doing the same thing, 

Lauran: man. I guess so. I, I, okay. I 

Jordan: stand corrected. But before he leaves for IL four wooly, you activate, you try to activate the toddler who is now duct taped to your leg. What? I'm sorry. Not your leg duct taped to Gregory's leg. Oh. I was like, I was like, why is he duct taped to my leg?

But you don't know how it happened. It just happened. Yeah. I don't know how it happened. The toddler gurgles a terrifying sentence. An ancient customer service tongue. Nah. I want to speak to the arch manager. 

Lauran: Okay. So [00:31:00] I'm, I'm gonna say I think this toddler is nobody's child. It's actually like a 6,000 year old wizard that.

Transformed into a toddler as a division and then is used by like, you know, clever customers like me. That can tell it's actually a 6,000 year old wizard. 

Jordan: Well, that 6,000 year old lizard wizard, um, caused every light in the store to flicker and a pigeon flies into the window. Gregory freezes you lock eyes with him and you whisper.

Deadly serious. I know where the receipts are buried. Gregory stumbles backwards into a display of discontinued throw pillows. The return counter glows with an aura of freedom and you begin to sprint towards it. 

Lauran: Just wanna give back this blender 

Jordan: and the toddler. 

Lauran: The toddler. Well, I've gotten rid of the [00:32:00] toddler.

He's, he's duct tape Gregory. Now he belongs to the store now. 

Jordan: You reach, it 

Lauran: belongs to the soul. Now, have you guys ever seen Mitchell's versus the machines? 

Josh: No. No. I don't think my, oh my gosh. 

Lauran: Okay. You need to watch that movie and then you'll, you'll understand the reference. P Prr belongs to the canyon now.

Now what about pr? Prr belongs to the canyon now, 

Jordan: but before we know the fate of our toddler. Yes. There's one final stop at the counter. You must select the confirm return button, but it is guarded by a screen asking why. Why are you returning this item? It's a multiple choice question, and the answers are as followed.

A wrong size. B, didn't meet my expectations. C, [00:33:00] it's D. Accidentally purchased while grieving or E I'm just here for closure. You must choose one as a team to finalize your return. 

What do you press? 

Josh: I don't. I'd be going B or C. 

Lauran: I feel like if I was ever given the choice to put that it was haunted. I wanna put that it's haunted.

Because who's gonna question me? We would have lied our to call. Like we lied our way here. Yeah. 

Josh: We've lied our way here. Right? We might as well end with a bang, 

Lauran: right? We've lied this far. Hear from one 

Josh: more lie, the back of the store, 

Theme: select wrong size and I'll throw in a 25% off discount. Oh no. 

Lauren: We'll get a discount.

They literally threatened to kill us a minute ago. Oh, that's, I don't wanna give you my business. Need a return and. Hightail it. Yeah. [00:34:00] 

Lauran: No, you're right. You're right. Okay, so we're going, are we going with haunted? 

Josh: Let's go with haunted. 

Lauran: Okay. Haunted blender. 

Josh: Final answer. 

Lauran: I don't want your discount. Excellent purchase.

Jordan: Well, you have made a bold, truthful. Morally righteous choice. Is 

Lauran: it? Is it? 

Jordan: I'm morally righteous. You didn't lie. It's morally righteous now. Oh. 

Lauran: Oh, yay. Okay, 

Jordan: you all reach out and slam the button together like you're deton. Detonating a truth time bomb. The screen flickers, sparks fly in the blender. Shrieks.

One last time I regret nothing. And then. Silence. The receipt is sucked into a glittery vortex. A chorus of angelic return policy echoes in the distance. A cashier appears from behind a curtain of shower curtains, and hands you a small [00:35:00] slip of paper refund approved. Store credit or cash. Oh, you have escaped the, you have escaped the escape womb.

The cursed blender has finally been returned. 

Lauran: Thank the Lord. Oh my did it Lord. And I didn't have to leave with a toddler. That wasn't mine. 

Jordan: You 

Lauran: did not. So 

Jordan: congratulations everybody. Hallelujah. 

Lauran: We made it guys. You made 

Jordan: it through. So. Just some fun facts. 'cause I know we like to wrap up with since we're helping people learn how to adult.

Yeah. Some real life advice with a side of SaaS for when you're returning an item. Just learn the return policy and lie. 

Lauran: Like Lauren? 

Jordan: Yes. Just lie number one. Lie. Just lie. That's definitely good advice. Lie to everyone. But when you want to return something like a grownup, you could be polite and firm. Have a reason, even if it's vague.[00:36:00] 

You know, little white lie there. Always try even if you've opened it. 'cause the worst they can say is no. And make sure you always keep the dang receipt. I don't do 

Lauran: that. I'm really bad about keeping receipts for, I never keep, 

Lauren: here's how. Go to my email and then I know that they're there. That's 

Lauran: smart.

Might be, you're smart. That might be Cookie Lauren. I should be more like you. 

Jordan: But you know what you could do when all else fails. 

Lauran: What? 

Jordan: You could blame a blender 

Lauran: or I could just blame my CEO son's boyfriend cousin gift. Yeah. Yeah. No one's gonna question that. I don't know. I think if I ever have to return something ever again, I'm just gonna call up Lauren and ask her to return it for me because she can do it.

Hey, I'm 

Jordan: the same name. There you go. Yeah. I'll 

Lauran: be very firm when I need to be. You can be my firm and assertive alter ego. 

Josh: So when we were, when we were talking about people [00:37:00] knocking on your door, this just goes to like why I am, why I'm hiding behind you as you're being bellatrix out there, we have our financial advisor because he knocked on our door and I answered instead of her.

So we were with one company. This guy knocked on the door and I couldn't say no, and I was like, well, we already have one. He's like, I'll call him. I'll cancel it all for you. I'll do it. And I was like, okay. I guess that's okay. Oh no, 

Theme: not that. No, that's the worst. Because I was like, he's gotten rid of the barrier for me to say no.

I know. So that's why we have our new financial guy. Oh, 

Jordan: see you guys. Well, here's my advice. Look at the ring doorbell. Don't open the door. Don't open the door. That's what 

Lauren: I've started doing now, is I'll tell them through the, like I did today, someone was trying to sell an alarm system and I went through the ring and I said, we're not interested.

Yeah. And then they look, look as if like they're gonna, I'm like, no. Go. I even though 

Lauran: our cars are in the driveway, sometimes I'll just be like, we're [00:38:00] not home. Yeah. Like, 

Josh: whose cars are those? I whatcha talking about? 

Lauran: Like, uh, we have a third car. No, 

I, I'm 

Jordan: bad about that. I totally confident enough just not answering the door.

Yeah. Jordan. Honestly, I would not answer it. 

Lauran: Jordan just is like a hermit. If I'm not home, you'll never know Jordan existed because he will just. Lock up, shut down the windows. Like you'll never see his face if he doesn't want you to see it. But like, I can't do that. I feel so bad. 

Josh: Oh, I, there's no skill.

But what's worse when they come 

Lauran: to your door? Just No, it doesn't go away for me. What's worse though is that because our dogs are nuts and they will like. Bark continuously at the front door and like run towards it. I have to go out through the garage door and be face to face with them. So I like have an extra barrier taken away.

I can't even just say it at my door and then shut the door. I have to be like, [00:39:00] sorry, and then shuffle back into my garage. 

Josh: You should just start using the dogs. I can't. I can't talk to you. These are two dogs. 

Lauran: Go away. Yeah. I should run away. Escape with your life phone. You can. You should. You 

Jordan: should. Like, because they just bark so loud, like you should gate 'em away and then you should just like pop your head out.

It's like, I can't talk to dogs and then just like slip away and just start screaming. They'll be like, 

Lauran: I'll just leave you my card. 

Jordan: Pretend you're getting eaten by our vicious dogs. 

Lauran: Yeah. I think that's the worst one is like how to. Say no to a solicitor that's worse than returning an item. I think. 

Lauren: No, guys, that's so easy.

Lauran: At least for me, like I don't like returning items. I will, if it's not expensive, I will just eat the cost sometimes. But when I do return something, if it's like, I don't know, I just have to walk in and like. Show them something on my phone and they [00:40:00] take it away and I, we have to say minimal words to each other.

Fine. That's all well and good. But if it's like this whole process of like, even like when you buy something and they're like, you've, if you mail this in, you'll get a $300 rebate. I'm like, I don't wanna do that. Like, I just wanna buy the thing a lot of work and be done. Yeah. Yeah. Like I know, like, that sounds dumb.

And I, I feel like I'm speaking from a place of privilege being able to be like, I'll just eat that $10 that I lost on that purchase that didn't fit or whatever, but. I don't know. I just have that much anxiety that I would not, I'd rather not go to the store and return it, but I, those were great tips.

Jordan: Those were great tips. Yep. 

Lauran: This was fun. Fun. Thank you guys so much for playing this game with us. Thank. 

Josh: Thank you. Hope you enjoyed 

Lauran: it. Yeah, 

Josh: that was fun. It was very nerdy. That's a lot of fun. 

Lauren: That was a laugh. I liked that. 

Josh: Jordan, you do a good job narrating. 

Lauren: Oh, thank you so much. I wasn't, wasn't, I wasn't 

Josh: expecting all of that.[00:41:00] 

Lauran: This friend of Josh's alley, this is the first time we've played that game with like guests, so I mean, you guys were killing it. I loved it. I like that. It'd 

Josh: be fun. It'd be fun to figure out how to do that, like in the classroom. With kids. Yeah, 

Lauran: I agree. But yeah, uh, make sure you guys check out Mr. Monroe and Nala on all his social medias.

His videos are awesome and heartwarming and just, you know, everything that you wanna see in teaching, it's just great. So make sure you guys check them out. Thank you both for being here today. Thank you. I'm so happy to see you guys. I miss you guys and I hope everybody well and we will be right back guys.

And we're back. Yeah, we're back. 

Jordan: We're back. 

Lauran: I feel like I always feel like I'm doing like a talk show when I go and we're back. I wanna, Hey, hey, we're back with the Jennifer Hudson show, or the Kelly Clarkson Show all whatever. Good talk, show you like. [00:42:00] I feel like that, but you should let us know how our show is.

Yeah. Do you like the games we've been playing? Do you like any of the guests we've had on? Should we have them on again? Do you have anyone else that we should bring on 

Jordan: or advice for us when our blenders become demonically possessed and we need to return them? Yeah. We would love fight managers sighing at us saying, Hey, you can't return that.

So any advice would be truly helpful. 

Lauran: Right. And can, how can 

Jordan: people give that 

advice? 

Lauran: I was just getting into that. Look at that. You can. And contact us on Instagram and TikTok at Human Content Pods, or you can send us emails directly to Hello at we are fine pod.com to let us know any feedback or any suggestions you might have.

Don't forget, you can check out the episodes on YouTube on my Mrs. Ian fifth channel, or you can see all of our. Our chaotic faces. I was gonna say beautiful faces, but they're more chaotic than beautiful. I feel like this episode was chaotic faces. Yeah, I feel like the whole time I was like, what? What? Yeah.

I was holding onto my [00:43:00] seat the whole time. Uh, but special thanks to Josh and Lauren Monroe for being here. They're great people. Please go support them. And uh, Josh and Nala is awesome teacher right there. 

Jordan: Do you know who the host with the most is? Who? Lauren Woolley. You know. Hey, that, do you know who the host with the least is?

Lauran: Lauren Woolley. 

Jordan: Jordan Woolley. 

Lauran: Oh, our executive producers are Lauren and Jordan Woolley. Aaron Corny. Rob Goldman. Sean Cht Brook. Our editor is Andrew Sims. 

Jordan: Our engineer is Jason Portis, and 

Lauran: our music is by Ooma Benzi, who just 

Jordan: also, I was gonna say congratulations, 

Lauran: wanted. Yeah, that's a big freaking deal. So amazing Ooma.

We're so proud of you. And to learn about our program, disclaimer in ethics policy and submission verification in licensing terms, go to we are fine pod.com or reach out to us at Hello at we are fine pod.com with any questions or concerns. Did you know that we are fine? 

Jordan: Is a human content production? [00:44:00] 

Lauran: I did.

I did know that You did. And now they know that 

Jordan: everyone knows that now. 

Lauran: We'll see you guys in the next one.

Theme: Hey you. Hey, I love that shirt you're wearing. And you know what would go great with that shirt? What a nice big virtual hug. And you can get that by hitting some of these buttons down here. Subscribe, like, comment, we'll give you a big old virtual hug. 

Lauran: Thank you so much for listening, and we will see you guys next Wednesday.

Bye.